Dear Jimmy Miller,
Thank you for your recent emailed order for your “sister wedding events.” I’m sure your sister and her groom will appreciate such a generous gift. As you requested, I totaled the amount of chocolate you ordered and it comes to $8,130.00. With “TAX,” your total is $8,699.10. I love the way you get so excited about TAX and put it in all caps!
Since you will be coming to pick up your order at our factory on July 4, I will gladly accept your payment. And while you didn’t outright ask, I will tell you that credit cards can be risky, better to wire the money. You should definitely email all the pertinent information and in return, I’ll send you ours.
Now, I know you’ve sent us more than one email on this request, even though you didn’t reference your previous emails that we accidentally ignored. The products on each request were different, so if you’d like us to adjust the invoice, we can certainly add them together for a “grand total” of $21,976. We noticed that each email you sent listed a different home address within a 60 mile radius, so I just need to verify which one to put on the invoice. You are one crazy- rich American!
I must say, Jimmy Miller, that we usually only see this size order from one of our distributors, and that you must be incredibly wealthy to afford this much fine chocolate! And, I’m not judging (or as you would write, “‘im’ not judging”), but perhaps middle school grammar wasn’t taught where you grew up? Whatever your circumstances, your “interior jobs” must be lucrative. What exactly does “interior” refer to? Inside jobs (like insider trading?), interior decorating, Department of Interior? Either way, that trade show you’re attending must produce a TON of business for you (do you like my use of spontaneous capitalization?).
I understand that it was just easier to email us your order from your free, randomly chosen Gmail account rather than place it online. Or, was that your online order that came through this week? I know some of your attempts were denied, but one got through for $1,047. That’s just like you Jimmy Miller, so sneaky. Your sister will definitely be surprised!
In reference to the online order, I hope you understand we had to cancel it and refund the money to the credit card holder. I know it wasn’t your intention, but with an IP address stemming from Indonesia and a street address that read “xysidisusherksdfh 7,” we just couldn’t get FedEx to issue that label. After looking through your other order attempts, I realize that you probably just got your many home addresses confused, such as the one going to Portland, OR, but with a street address located in South Jakarta. FYI, I looked your house up on Google Maps and WOW! What a lovely white stucco building surrounded by glorious gardens.
I know it’s not my place, but I feel that we’ve gotten to know each other a little bit and wanted to offer some advice. Have you thought about hiring an assistant? Maybe someone who could build you a spreadsheet of all your preferred vendors, plus your own phone numbers, home addresses, email addresses & purchases? Also, since you value your privacy, an assistant could help you develop better aliases. While I KNOW Jimmy Miller is absolutely your real name, some of your other pseudonyms could use a little work. If it were me, I wouldn’t use a foreign name that Google translates to something along the lines of “Damn Son!”
Thank you again Jimmy Miller for a great week. I look forward to your follow up emails and online order attempts. Sadly, we’ve been down this road before and I know that we are not the only company that you love. I also know that you’ll lose interest in us after your sister gets married. But I have a feeling you’ll be back. Thank you for your loyalty, and most importantly, thank you for pulling me from other tasks that I used to think were so important to our company.