Chocolate is Now a Controlled Substance

barkeater April Fools Day, Blog, satire

The FDA (Fake Department of Administration) has recently announced the newest controlled substance: chocolate. The highly addictive and delicious treat will only be available at pharmacies  with a prescription from your doctor. Illnesses and disorders that fall under the categories that chocolate is allowed to be prescribed for include: hunger, cravings, sadness, sugar withdrawal, boredom, forgetting your mother-in-laws birthday and you need a last minute gift, dessert time and much more. 

Since technology and science have been evolving, chocolatiers have found ways to make their candy tastier, creamier and overall addictive. In the last decade, data has shown an increasing amount of chocolate consumed across the U.S, specifically New York State. This concerning rise in numbers led to an investigation which found the truth: chocolate is just too delicious to be so easily accessible. 

Deb Morris, co-owner of Barkeater Chocolates in North Creek, had this to say about the day the feds showed up to her factory:

“It was scary,” Morris said. “They came for all our chocolate – saying things like this is one of the hot spots. They wouldn’t tell me anything, just that our operation was being looked at carefully. I’m pretty sure I saw one of the officers eating a peanut butter cup behind our shop.” 

Despite the crackdown, chocolate is still currently legal with a doctor approval and a hefty fee of $50 an ounce of white, $60 milk, and $90 ounce of dark chocolate with most private insurance companies, beginning January 2023.

Citizens are scrambling to get their prescriptions as soon as they can. Unfortunately they may not have that much longer as talk has started of criminalizing chocolate and then banning it completely within the next 15-20 years, save for extreme circumstances.  

This has led to protests across the country, citizens arguing that their rights are being infringed upon. However, with the next five years looking at possible criminalization, officials warn of more violent and widespread protests. 

If you feel any of the symptoms listed on the FDAs website that can be treated with chocolate, contact your doctor immediately for an evaluation to possibly get a prescription!